The blogtober prompt for today is love, so I want to talk about learning to love myself again. If you read my blog you will know I’ve touched on how mental health affects my life before and If you follow me on Instagram you will have seen this post I popped up at the weekend.
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I'm that girl who finds it hard to be social I might not message you back for days I'll never phone you I don't mean to be, but I come across ignorant. I'm also the girl who suffered in silence for years, who brushed off her worrying as normal. Who thought her anxious mind was silly. Who didn't think her feelings mattered. Until she woke up one morning and decided she couldn't take another day suffering inside her own brain. I did it. I went to the GP. It was a day of panic attacks, hysterical crying, shaking, feeling sick, a constant headache and having to force myself to go against all the feelings of wanting to ignore the alarm bells and hope it went away, like usual… But not yesterday. Yesterday I took a small step toward finding myself again, one small step but it means everything. I asked for help. So here we are, day one of help. #nomoresilence (P.s if this goes live its because I felt brave, pressed publish and then ran away in a flap, it's pretty likely I'll delete this post when I come back. Please be kind.)
It’s official, I asked for help. Me! The girl who finds it hard to talk to anyone about how she feels went to her doctor and asked for help.
At first, I felt weak like asking for help made me a weak person, but I realise that knee-jerk reaction is both normal and irrational at the same time. Because after weakness, came relief. I felt relieved that people knew, that I had taken this huge step to finding myself again and I no longer had to pretend to my family, friends or my online followers.
So that’s me! Taking some meds, learning to love myself again and embracing the fear of speaking out, because I’ll tell you something that one Insta post alone has brought so many positive comments, inboxes, emails and love my way. If I can help at least one person that can relate to me, then it is worth the fear of showing people my vulnerability.
So far I feel a bit crappy but the doctor did say I would feel worse before I feel better so here’s hoping the better days are coming. I’ll keep you updated!